well it's about damned time....

good morning. it is a chilly day here in southern vermont this october saturday monring. i had turned the heat off over night and awoke to a 60 degree house. and by the way...how does one make the degree symbol here? gosh. there are times when being a non-techy is really no fun.
not too many things happening here, though many changes since my last post. i have been taking a break while closing up the book shop and adjusting to life without. everyone in the tirrell-baker-hearn household has embarked in some sort of new educational life, including me. so while we are all adjusting to new situations, new schools, new schedules...we are all also adjusting to having me around quite a bit more, and me having the dreaded HOMEWORK! at least dylan and zoe get much more sympathy and support from me about the level of stress around the whole homework dilemma......like the fact that no one really enjoys it around here. i do find my self thinking that i would enjoy my homework if i were better at time management. alas, i am not. and further alas, i tend to function much better under a certain amount of last minute pressure. unfortunately, many children no not.
more from the home front soon....i am hoping to get into this groove and keep it rolling.
be well.

Oh Orangette!

Since I am going to manage posting bookie related stuff...I just have to start with the book I just finished...A Homeade Life...by the blogger Orangette.
I don't know if she is aware of the fact that she changes lives...but she should be. For example...her witty story about Dutch Babies...made me remember JUST how much i need a good Dutch Baby with a little orange sauce...and speaking of which, I wonder if she knows about orange sauce...she needs to know I think.
Any little who.......

Dutch Babies and now tonight....crusty french bread with herbed goat cheeze, cucumbers and artichoke hearts...yum no?
with some grilled salmon on the side.....calling that dinner..
to be followed by chocolate cake that she used for her wedding cake....lloks easy and sounds horribly yummers. I am in personal crisis and therefore am feeling a little entitled to some uber yummy food...will let you know how it all goes!

so it would seem that it may be best for me to write more bookie things here on my blog...but the rub for me is that while i happen to own a small independent bookstore, i also do lots of potential other fun or perhaps...wait a moment here i might have something....interesting? cosmical? i mean my children alone are fucking hysterical when they are not being complete pains in the arse. and while i could say that the arse pain is infrequent...then i would be a liar as well.

so in order to appear honest and interestring....i will attempt to write of some things bookie. or of some things at least book store related that is something more than bitchy about the local and global economy or how the book industry in our country is lacking in fact of not only support of small bookstores, but in my opinion....then reading.

but not today. today i would like to talk about the complications of being a grown up. but before i do that i am going to have to sign off for a while and have a little tantrum......just because i can and damn well feel like it!

and then i'll have a glass of wine...AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS ONE OF THE FEW PERKS OF BEING A GROWN UP....TANTRUM=DRINK. good times.

sitting in the bookstore

and looking around.
i have all 3 of my kids here, plus our family "other" child caleb who is dylans' bestie...he is welcome to move in anytime and i am sure the opposite is true in his house. i remember having a friend like that....though i never wanted her to move in with us, my house sucked.
i recently told my maybe partner, the very same man who 2 weeks ago i told i thought we should marry to provide some security for my children (this totally in spite of ANY thought we may have about marriage in general as the needs of my kids are bigger than any bullshit garbage we inherited from our parents or past relationships)....and as it turns out i might add....his BULLSHIT record far surpass any need of me or my children...they canl ive w/out his contribution of "security"......

anyways, where was i?
OH!!! sitting at the bookstore looking at and watching the 3 children i love best...sad that my financial and marital situation precludes me from being able to take any orphans from Haiti...since the ONE true thing i am most equipped to be is a good parent....but fully realizing how amazing these children i live with are. it shocks me really...as i live in a world where i know fully how much of a fuck up i really am....and how i could have squeezed these people out?

have i mentioned that i am ever so slightly complicated?
oh.....well, i suppose i am.

and it is of course time to wrap it up as i need to go feed the crew, without of course even finishing my thoughts.....


that's the way it is sometimes...you just don't get to finish your thought. not to your self, not to your friends...just not at all.

denial is bliss.....right?

whenever your gut says something......but you look the other way, brush it off, try and shake it....when you put aside what your inner most self is screaming at you...it's denial. and honestly it feels good right? we cope, we get by...we can take ourselves to places that we would not otherwise be able to handle when we are in denial. there are in fact some useful things about it....to a point. and when you hit that point, when you are suffering from just one too many puncture wounds...you gotta wake up. you have to brace yourself for the accumulated onslught of mess you have been damming up and face the music. hopefully you have people to bare you up. hopefully you have just one person who loves you, holds you, wipes your snotty nose , maybe even your ass and moves right along with you through it all until you get to the other side.

but if that person just so happens to be the one who you are in denial about....you are fucked, bent over fucked. i don't bend easily...you gotta force me really because i am a fighter.

but this.....i can't fight. i need to have faith...or strength. neither are in sight. right now, i can't even look for them.
so.....if you happen on either one on the street, send them my way with the expressed warning that i just might not make it. i just might not.

on a happier note...my big kids are home from their cruise and i will once again be the complete momma....AND THAT MY FRIENDS might be all i need. what a gift......the courage to parent alone and well. to give my kids the courage of conviction, the hard truth about what is right and wrong...even when it hurts.

til tomorrow.....

the abyss.....

why is that for me this time of year is so jammed packed with the absolute limit of my abilities? i swear, every january i hit this accululated wall of bullshit in my life...it is as if i save everything i need to deal with for this month, because you know, january is SO STELLAR anyways!!!, that i might as well pile it all on and just get it over with. or maybe it is that my level of denial is maxed and i JUST HAVE TO DEAL. no booze, no pills, no therapy, no money to blow and cover my daily stresses.....ok, so maybe is could be just that alone.....but honestly. things i never would imagine happen in january. reality just jumps up and bites me in the ass, an ass i was never even aware of. and every year i say, "i will be more prepared. i will now more. i will save more. i will have more. i will plan better. i will be more careful. i will live in fear for the next year in order to AVOID THIS VERY MOMENT".
YET here i sit. here i type. digesting things that even i could not have imagined. stupidity on my end will NEVER cease to amaze me. being honest, working hard, trying my best as a partner, a woman, a business owner, a member of my community will never be enough i think. i can't bake my way out of this eventual place of struggle. i pace along all year and then BOOM it hits, i somehow manage to figure it all out....and whoa nelly, by february life is a little better...march is a month of readjustment....then by june, my birth month.....i am sailing a little freer and thinking i am on my game and working diligently to avoid this very thing NEXT year....

i am just making plans now for next year. the bookstore, if still open, will close for crisis january...i have a room booked at the Retreat...oh no, not there.....i'll have to find some farther fetched lodgings....and i'll just wait out january and see you all in february.


but this is what it would take,
jerry would have to spell me with dylan and zoe.....and i would be crazy without them for a month.
and i suppose the whole damned town would have to take turns with ruby. and quite frankly...i have failed that baby girl enough. it always amazes me that she is the stronger of us two. while dylan inspires me to be whole and true, zoe to be clear and honest...ruby is my laughter, my hope and faith in all things wonderful. last babies have that effect...i warn you now! if you want to feel complete, have that last baby...and if it is a 3rd baby...bless you! you have earned your faith i tell you!

so lady gaga....(animal eating aside, i haven't checked this out) is having a bad romance in my ear phones.........and i want to spin. i need the spent feeling to wash over me like the beach....since there is no beach to be had right at this moment...god i miss hot yoga!
and this might lead me to start bitching about my landlords.....but internally i know i am better than that right?
shit no. i am so not above dishing out the shit.
but i will have to save that for another day....like maybe election day when i know how i cast my vote.
but i think i need to learn to park better when sick first.

but THAT my friends is a whole other story.
for a day with no wine.

coming to terms....

with the fact that i have pink eye, with the fact that i am terribly broke, with the fact that i have to pay taxes monday, with the fact that i need to start working on filing my taxes, which in turn means finally doing my month and year end paperwork....which i always love doing by the way, but meet this wall upon getting there. it is such a funny thing that i don't quite care to understand even. i just know it to be true. john works the next 4 nights so i have plenty of evening time to get it all done....and in front of law and order, i will push through. coming to terms with the fact that failure is not always a negative thing, despite the utter most feeling of complete and total despair that is often paired with failure. and loneliness....why is failure complete with the feeling of being so horribly alone in your failure? i guess i am not one to blame others for my actions or failures...though how nice would that be?(i suspect that it only adds to the big pile of shit you already wallow in...)
today is clearly not the day to write, at least not without a glass of wine....and it is only 2:10pm. not that time of day would stop me, but i do have to go pick up ruby from school where afternoon drinks are frowned upon, for christ's sake!