whenever your gut says something......but you look the other way, brush it off, try and shake it....when you put aside what your inner most self is screaming at you...it's denial. and honestly it feels good right? we cope, we get by...we can take ourselves to places that we would not otherwise be able to handle when we are in denial. there are in fact some useful things about it....to a point. and when you hit that point, when you are suffering from just one too many puncture wounds...you gotta wake up. you have to brace yourself for the accumulated onslught of mess you have been damming up and face the music. hopefully you have people to bare you up. hopefully you have just one person who loves you, holds you, wipes your snotty nose , maybe even your ass and moves right along with you through it all until you get to the other side.
but if that person just so happens to be the one who you are in denial about....you are fucked, bent over fucked. i don't bend easily...you gotta force me really because i am a fighter.
but this.....i can't fight. i need to have faith...or strength. neither are in sight. right now, i can't even look for them.
so.....if you happen on either one on the street, send them my way with the expressed warning that i just might not make it. i just might not.
on a happier note...my big kids are home from their cruise and i will once again be the complete momma....AND THAT MY FRIENDS might be all i need. what a gift......the courage to parent alone and well. to give my kids the courage of conviction, the hard truth about what is right and wrong...even when it hurts.
til tomorrow.....
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