aaaahhhhhhhh.....a dreary, drippy day in southern vermont. we had a little snow, it is fairly warm and the world is melting around us. slush abound, not one of my favorite things as i am not at all fond of being BOTH cold AND wet.....especially around the feet. jill the acupuncturist upstairs says i need to keep my feet warm, always. and i am taking her as gospel just because i also dislike cold feet. they may be a metaphor, but i take it seriously. i always have cold feet. i suppose i should take it to mean that i need to look closer at my decisions, the process of making decisions, something. it probably begs for examination.....but i just don't like having cold feet. i also dislike socks......the trials of being fussy.
i believe this means i am high maintenance. and i am not sure how i feel about that. on the one hand, i have spent countless hours, days, years doing and making for others. i think of others before myself on a daily basis. i plan my days and nights around what the needs are of my family, friends and partner. my ex- and his wife often get high consideration as well. so to think of myself as someone who demands a lot, concerns me as it is all to easy for me to make everyone, everything else more important than i am. i do not believe this is my plight alone. and it frusterates me that women who know they want and are not afraid to ask for it are considered high maintenance. we as a society do not put this on men...in fact quite the opposite. men who "go for it, demand and command" are successful, powerful men. women look for men like that, to care for them, to ease worry. i myself could easily be swooned by someone to look after things for me. so on the OTHER hand, i am not only demanding (as i put a lot out i feel i can ask for much in return), i am also conflicted. THIS alone should make me desirable yes? is not a tormented female who struggles with balance, equality, fairness, neediness, boundary-challenges, strenght and weakness someone who would be desireable???? well, i can tell you that it is ANY BUT charming in my 5 year old and i should very likely grow up and move on. i know i am capable and smart, tender yet strong......but here's the rub.
i just don't like cold feet. AND i don't want to be the ONLY one who has to turn up the heat, grab myself a pair of socks.....or better yet, brings in a stack of wood to make a fire to warm my feet ALL THE TIME. (and if THAT makes me demanding, then piss off....but don't look to ME when you've got cold toes!)