the abyss.....

why is that for me this time of year is so jammed packed with the absolute limit of my abilities? i swear, every january i hit this accululated wall of bullshit in my life...it is as if i save everything i need to deal with for this month, because you know, january is SO STELLAR anyways!!!, that i might as well pile it all on and just get it over with. or maybe it is that my level of denial is maxed and i JUST HAVE TO DEAL. no booze, no pills, no therapy, no money to blow and cover my daily stresses.....ok, so maybe is could be just that alone.....but honestly. things i never would imagine happen in january. reality just jumps up and bites me in the ass, an ass i was never even aware of. and every year i say, "i will be more prepared. i will now more. i will save more. i will have more. i will plan better. i will be more careful. i will live in fear for the next year in order to AVOID THIS VERY MOMENT".
YET here i sit. here i type. digesting things that even i could not have imagined. stupidity on my end will NEVER cease to amaze me. being honest, working hard, trying my best as a partner, a woman, a business owner, a member of my community will never be enough i think. i can't bake my way out of this eventual place of struggle. i pace along all year and then BOOM it hits, i somehow manage to figure it all out....and whoa nelly, by february life is a little better...march is a month of readjustment....then by june, my birth month.....i am sailing a little freer and thinking i am on my game and working diligently to avoid this very thing NEXT year....

i am just making plans now for next year. the bookstore, if still open, will close for crisis january...i have a room booked at the Retreat...oh no, not there.....i'll have to find some farther fetched lodgings....and i'll just wait out january and see you all in february.


but this is what it would take,
jerry would have to spell me with dylan and zoe.....and i would be crazy without them for a month.
and i suppose the whole damned town would have to take turns with ruby. and quite frankly...i have failed that baby girl enough. it always amazes me that she is the stronger of us two. while dylan inspires me to be whole and true, zoe to be clear and honest...ruby is my laughter, my hope and faith in all things wonderful. last babies have that effect...i warn you now! if you want to feel complete, have that last baby...and if it is a 3rd baby...bless you! you have earned your faith i tell you!

so lady gaga....(animal eating aside, i haven't checked this out) is having a bad romance in my ear phones.........and i want to spin. i need the spent feeling to wash over me like the beach....since there is no beach to be had right at this moment...god i miss hot yoga!
and this might lead me to start bitching about my landlords.....but internally i know i am better than that right?
shit no. i am so not above dishing out the shit.
but i will have to save that for another day....like maybe election day when i know how i cast my vote.
but i think i need to learn to park better when sick first.

but THAT my friends is a whole other story.
for a day with no wine.